Inferiority

After 4 years in this field, I can’t deny that I am still having the thought “I am not good enough”. Maklum aja, kuliah sarjana sama sekali ga ada sangkut pautnya dengan pekerjaan sehari-hari. I took electrical engineering. Too much gado-gado sih (we called breadth & depth courses back in school), jadi ga bisa bilang specialitynya dimana. Ngambil kuliah power iya, ngambil matkul elektronika iya, ngambil persistem komputeran iya, dan lain lain. Dulu rasanya senang aja nyobain mata kuliah macem-macem, hingga akhirnya pas lulus ngerasa, specialty gw apa ya Allah, masa kalah ama nasi goreng. I didn’t have any special skill to sell. Kalaupun jadi engineer ini engineer macam apa ini, I got many things but it’s too shallow. Ah andai pada saat itu gelar insinyur masih berlaku, betapa beratnya beban diri ini dengan title itu.

At my first job, I was still an idealist, I wanted to work in an electrical engineering job-related company, and yes I did. I had the opportunity to start my career soon after graduation. Kalo boleh dibilang, emang lumayan termasuk paling cepet banget dibanding temen seangkatan. There, I realized that I have chosen the wrong major for the first time. The job was electronics engineering related which I dreamed about. I worked in a company where ITB alumnae were not many and most of them were at least in manager-level positions. You can imagine people there will always question your credibility as cap gajah if you make a stupid mistake. I was never happy with my job because never feel the accomplishment. Also, after another task, there will be another task. Never-ending. Actually, there were many reasons that push me to resign, but this was one of them. I wasn’t feeling good at what I did and didn’t think can I perform even better. This was not because I didn’t like the challenge. Honestly, I never enjoy working in the field which I have learned for 4 years in college. I decided to let it go~

Then, one day, I decided to cross the bridge. I applied for a job in computer science-related. Luckily I was accepted as a software engineer. There, I was feeling happy and felt challenged every day. I could fulfil accomplishments for each completed task. Feeling satisfaction and happiness. There, I learned which type of job would make me enjoy my 8-hour job. Long short story, until now I am still working in IT-related, far from my degree. I believed that we can work with anything we like, the degree is actually just two or three words written on paper, doesn’t tell much about you.

However, inferiority feelings still persist. As someone who never receive formal education in computer science, I was still thinking that I can’t be better than anyone who did. I often imagine what if I took informatics instead of electrical engineer back then in college, I probably can easily land a job at the top IT companies. That’s also the reason why I took computer science as my master program. Not only because I do forget everything about electrical engineering but also want to do good in my career choice. I wanted to work by the book and from the basics instead of tutorials or best practices out there.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon TED talk video that gave me perasaan lega. I will probably rewatch it again and again when the inferiority feeling comes. This talk said that emang bener kalo kita tu udah dari awal punya keahlian khusus, kita akan lebih cepet berhasilnya dibanding orang orang yang belajar nya macem-macem dulu baru fokus ke keahlian tertentunya telat. Secara income dan knowledge si yang ahli akan lebih duluan majunya. Tapi for a long run, orang yang punya macam macam keahlian ini akan lebih mudah beradaptasi dengan perubahan jaman. So, jack all of trades for the win! I am not saying that I have many expertises tho, but I am happy that I’ve learned many things before choosing what I am choosing today.

One said that “tidak ada ilmu yang sia-sia”. But, I am still wondering hikmah apa yang bisa gw petik dari berbagai ragam pelajaran elektronika yang bikin puyeng. Hikmah kesabaran kah? Atau hikmah “udah pernah nyoba sulitnya”? Time will reveal everything.

#randomthought #abaikangrammar

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